My Memorandums.


Red Winged Dragons.
06/12/2008, 7:42 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I think we’re all much more lonely than we know, than we’d like to think.  In believing this, I still don’t feel any less lonely.  When I’m at my best, I feel alone.  When I feel tired, my loneliness resurfaces.  Music fills the space.

My mind wonders to half boys/half dragons with wings that fly only from a cave to the sky.  That is only their destination, their path.  My mind drifts to red coloured beetles on the skins of angels up above, angels oblivious to the beauty on their very own skin whilst they try to show everybody else the way, the light, while they try to open up the world for everybody else.  I think of the beating of drums in the dirt-covered hands of a small smiling girl in the midst of poverty and the innocent eyes which look up at a dirty man whose nails have not been cleaned since his mother passed at the fragile age of twenty-three, he only four, almost five.  And the tears that have shed from every lonely heart who made it to the stage, in the spotlight, ahead of thousands of flashing cameras are right in front of my eyes.  Inescapable.  I can’t run away, forget them.  I feel the warmth of each drop, the flood which sits cosily, though, at the same time, uncomfortably, anxious to go somewhere, to do something, anything but remain in its current position: stagnant.  The smile of Marilyn photographed, and now on the walls of a hundred million teenage girls who love her curvaceous, voluptuous, sexy body yet continue to desire only a body without fat for themselves on a daily, if not hourly basis.  This smile, this smile cannot overshadow the yearning of her eyes, calling out for somebody to care, to see her.  And I see Sedgwick, a woman portrayed as glamorous.  These people, they were all lonely.  It couldn’t matter.  The fact is inevitable.  Loneliness is in all of us.  Music fills the space.  Tears release the tension.  Yet, nothing can make it ever go away.  It’s a part of who we are.  Lonely.  Alone.  Many unwilling to let go of their strong, passionate desire to be loved, to be loved in every way possible, to be cared for, to matter to another individual, to another breathing being.  It’s not something I’m trying to change.  It’s just something I want to say.  And the words which are released from your mouth make your heart ache, because you realise that even sound is too unbearable to take, you realise that sound cannot help.

A secret from me to you.  Even if you receive that undying love, loneliness will not leave you.

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4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i love your flowing writing, almost like free association, or maybe its supposed to be?

i hope you are wrong about the loneliness bit, that feeling ranks right up there with loss and depression….ive experienced all three and wasn’t a fan of any

i don’t believe we are somehow inherently lonely, i think we do crave to be with others, to be accepted, to be loved, and if we don’t get that we feel lonely

if we feel lonely despite being surrounded and cared for by others who love us, nurture us, and care for us..then its probably not loneliness we are feeling…it might be depression, sadness, or most likely, a spiritual emptiness..

Comment by douglaskev

Hey Douglaskev!
Thanks very much.
‘Free association’, what do you mean?

I wrote that in *one* out of infinite moments in my life. I’m lucky to say I haven’t experienced loss – depression, I have (self-diagnosed), and loneliness, sure.
I actually like that feeling, the feeling of loneliness. I think there’s a sense of emptiness which is concomitant with it. It’s just something different for me, you know? And I love that I write when I feel lonely, how I need to write, I need it.

I don’t know if we’re inherently lonely.
I do know everybody needs to feel appreciated, valued and respected, at the very least.
I am wrong about the loneliness bit – you won’t feel lonely when you have someone, when you experience that undying love for someone. Hardly. I believe that the Only Constance is Change, so you won’t always feel happy or fulfilled either. The feeling of loneliness will come, I suppose, if you’re like me. I like to be alone. I don’t like to get too comfortable. So, clearly, loneliness is definitely more inclined to visit you when you actually like to be alone so much.

Anyway
Hey! Thanks for responding
Enjoy your day 🙂
(and let me know what you mean by ‘free association’ please. Thanks 🙂 )

Comment by mymemorandums

hey!

free association is when you just let ideas and thoughts flow

its kind of like the word association game in the forums

you start with a word then the next word that comes to you then the next and so on

as a style of writing, it is the same idea, but you just write with no final destination or point in mind. you just start with a thought then write the next and the next…usually it will wind up being a meandering journey through your thoughts and mind

kind of fun & very self reflective/revealing…

i don’t know if its a “defined style” of writing or just a fancy phrase for journaling

lol

take care

Comment by douglaskev

Thank you.
I do write that way, I would say.
I like it.

Thank you for responding.
I appreciate it.
Much love,
Rose 🙂

Comment by mymemorandums




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