My Memorandums.

Fly to me.
21/01/2009, 11:57 am
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I have this journal, so I may as well use it, right?

Well, Truth be told, I feel very pissed off and annoyed and angry, and annoyed!  Do you know why? WELL, IF YOU EVER DO HAPPEN TO FIND OUT, PLEASE, LET ME KNOW, BECAUSE I HAVE NO GODDAMN IDEA!  A lot of unresolved issues, I’m assuming, actually, I’m sure.  The days keep rolling, going on and on, and I really have no recollection of what the hell I’ve been doing, or what’s been going on.  People ask me, ‘Hey Rose, what have you been up to?’ Honestly, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what I’ve been doing.  Bumming around, I know.  And when the stress comes, believe me, so does the reckless, emotional eating, and none of that makes me feel any better, of course.

I need more friends, that’s definitely true!  That’s why people find the transfer from High School to Uni or Work Life so difficult.  Because they’re not surrounded by loving friends, or people, everyday.  I don’t find many people with who I can be myself, completely, naturally, comfortably.  Maybe I should do more.  I should just be myself.  I have a tendency to become melancholic though, and that doesn’t help the situation at all.  I think that needs to be controlled, and slowly changed.

Also, I have no idea what I want to do this year.  I’m 19.  I studied at Uni last year, and I had a very bad year.  As a result, my grades were also really bad (I mean, really bad).  So, anyway, I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  I’m in a very broad ‘Bachelor of Arts’ and I don’t want to waste my time.  I know I want to make a change (I’ll know it clearer when this sadness slowly makes its way out of me).  I think I’ll transfer into Psychology (Okay, remember my name so you guys won’t come to me in the future, I’ll screw you up, you know it as well as I do just by reading this post).  But don’t worry, I plan on doing Child Psychology.  I don’t really know if this is what I want to do.  My mind is not clear or calm at all.  At all.  I’d like to go meditate.  (I don’t do Yoga, though I would like to start).

Okay, all jokes aside.  Let’s get a little serious about this.  What do I want to do?  (I breathe)

I want to be happy.

I want to love.

I know I want to help people, because I’m really helpful when I’m myself.

I think, above all, what I want right now is to deal with these unresolved issues, if there even are any, and be myself again.

I just want to be happy.  It takes practice.  I promise.

Much love to everybody,

Rose. 🙂


Going Vegetarian.
07/01/2009, 7:59 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I decided to become a Vegetarian this year.  It’s my 7th day in, and I’m often receiving headcaches, and my fuse of patience is running short.  I think that this is definitely because I didn’t have a food plan BEFORE I started.  I’m getting all my information in now.  So, I’ve been eating nutella, melted cheese on bread, and pasta for the past seven days.  I’ve also definitely had a LOT of water, and more fruits than I used to.  I had some potato earlier, which is an important source of protein, and that definitely lifted my mood.

Anyway, I definitely want to see this thing through.  I’m not sure if I’ll eat eggs yet, I’ve got to do some research on those.  I’ll definitely be eating Dairy though.  I love my cheese! I’ll research cheese as well.  Well, it’s made out of milk.  This may sound stupid, but I never knew that. So, that’s okay by me.

I’ve thought about it for a while, for moral reasons.  I love animals, but I eat them, so the hypocrisy hits home hard.  Now, I think my main motivation is to keep my word to myself, about being a Vegetarian, for the year.  I’m also curious about the life of a vegetarian, how the thoughts and the body of a vegetarian change.  I’m sure once I get my headwrapped about this business, I’d be really grateful.  I could have delicious food AND help out the world, AND learn about health, AND become more healthy and more health conscious, AND I could prove to myself and show others that if I say I’m going to do something, I will do it.

If there are any Vegetarian’s out there, I would really appreciate support and/or help.

Thank you!

Rose :).

Welcome Home.
21/12/2008, 11:49 pm
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But what’s the point if you don’t have a pretty face?  You changed your story around for me, and here I stand, ahead of your two green feet, yellow shoelaces, purple t-shirt, and cannot explain a word to you.  I will not.  It is my will, not my wall.  Away from you I fall as I try to stand again, on my own two toes, as they twinkle beneath the stars which will never cease to glow, luckily for the unstable minds of the world which lean on an unstable concrete ground, threatening and ready to give in at any time.  And we all walk around believing we know it all, when not a speck of truth any of us are able to tell, because those who talk know not how to hear or listen, and those who hear or listen know not how to talk.  So, the world turns around because it does not know how else to burn or live.  Those who inhabit its once sacred grounds have turned it into a heap of dust and 1 metre tree stumps, without any small four-petaled red flowers growing anymore.  And as my eyelids burn waiting for me to finally give in and cover my iris from the golden hairs on my chest, I yearn for a world which I know not of, which can never exist, in which I turn right and you turn left and we come down the same path but don’t scream or even breathe a bitter breath.  The dirty plates need to be taken into the sink, and the sugar bag needs to be closed up before phone calls are made to life partners, same sex or opposite, noticing them of the sleeping hours of each person as well as the additional free gossip on the side, of which no man I have ever known has been interested in.  And women talk and talk and talk and talk.  And when an important word or sentence comes out of the mouth of anybody I know or can see or hear please let me know.  Because the only truth I ever came across, I sensed.

Leave me alone, she said.

Hurry up, and come home, he said.

My real home is any land on which I am alone, she said.

He extracted a confused expression, shrugged his shoulders and turned his ankles to the four walled brick house he unfortunately and foolishly called home.

I love you, she said.

His back was already turned. He is but a foolish toad who cannot speak a word of the wordless language.

She left him with an I love you, and the sight of his back made her hurt more than the stinging tears she knew were on their way.

Whisper, don’t talk.
21/12/2008, 12:30 am
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Knowing you should not act out in any way which will cause harm to your being does not stop the process.  Backspace.  Backspace.  Backspace.   I’ve told people enough about me, given away enough, written long enough for everybody to read and then relate to.  The veins on my hands and the wrinkles at the middle of my fingers are only what I see now, aside from the varying nature of light and shade.  I feel tears which have slid from the top of my throat to the bottom; swallowed tears.  A chest which has on it too much pressure, and a mouth which does not want to open to breathe comfortably.  Reminded of Princess Diana who had everything and wanted to kill herself, I part my lips to take a deep breath.  A crying woman printed by my feet on a foggy window became my best friend, until she faded.  The first woman that was able to bring the tears out from my eyes was this foggy woman.  A tear dropped only when she disappeared.  In times of sadness, noise is unwanted and heavily unappreciated.  In times of sadness, quiet and stillness are very much needed.  Whisper, don’t talk.

Only the Night.
18/12/2008, 12:33 pm
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When will be the last of times Gregory will walk a straight line without a bare slant of ungrateful feet.  The blissful air of night-times will never return or visit his sensitive nose after his inept fingertips choose to sign the only light sheet of snow-white paper which naturally promise to spend their mortal life looking after the wellness of his heart after every other bleeding, burned heart has become tired of the pain concomitant and inseparable from the feelings brought on by monotonously continuous thoughts of love.  Some decisions only come to breathe with the absence of the maker, and the presence of the past.

One unforgettable and melancholic night, as Gregory’s ungrateful feet dribble against the dried up marks of water left on the standing side of sidewalks, his droopy brown eyes are taken by surprise at the accidental glance of the ruthless though loving ocean, the only spectacle which has ever let him feel at home, peacefully.  The loud absence of noise cannot nearly overpower the belligerently calm sense of air which dances through the lightness of the wind as waves crash down on the shore.  Drawn to its eternal power, Gregory is lead to a home long forgotten, yeat dearly missed.

12/12/2008, 2:13 pm
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Alfred Lord Tennyson first said ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’.

What does this mean? How can one live a comparatively banal life, which undoubtedly would seem lacking, if not empty, after the loss of an emotion which tightly kept together every string of a heart stronger than ever before?   Every day would seem so meaningless, noticeably and painfully void of meaning.  It must be the Hercules’ of our world which would not fall, or stay in an abyss of despair.  Maybe time is responsible for releasing us from our own made prisons.  Though, I believe that more probably we are responsible, each individual.  With this thought and belief, I do nothing but sit in a body with an aching heart.

I hope everybody finds and obtains peace in their souls and their spirits.

The Incessant and Destructive Workings of the Mind.
11/12/2008, 12:48 pm
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I live in a state of silent suffering, though a state which is not constant, which comes and goes as I want it to.  After a long time without peace, for any time without peace is too long, I have felt its presence.  Yet, like I wrote, it is a state which does not stay with me.  The confrontation of one’s very own thoughts out of one’s own will has never been easy, as said by those who are now long gone and have left behind their legacies through art, change, sympathy.  A human being is filled with contradictions.  I have no doubt in my mind that the majority of those who preach are forced to look their own hypocritical thoughts in the eye from time to time.  A book I am currently reading states that this is because one is not living in the moment, rather, is allowing their mind to use and control their being.

I read on somebody’s post that Khalil Gibran wrote ‘You speak because you are not at ease with your thoughts’.  It is for this very reason that I am writing.  After spending too much time looking for that quote online (unable to find it), I do not really know where else to go.  I hope for peace, and will try to embody it.  To take it a moment by a moment, that is all I know I can do.

Just to add.  The reason I have titled my post as ‘The Incessant and Destructive Workings of the Mind’ is a result of a realisation I have thankfully discovered very recently.  If you listen to your mind, to your thoughts, silently and truly listen, you will find the majority of its behaviour to be destructive to your spirit, to your self.  Also, we live in a time where everybody uses their mind so much so that their minds have begun using them.  It is not an easy habit to break free of, though if there were to be even a slight chance for inner peace, it is crucial for the self to partake in the gauntlet.  Once power has reached into the bones of a person or the tangled lines of a mind, I assure you, this power is a force that every dead fiber will try to hold on to.

Much love to everyone.